Friend for life!?

Almost all of us have guilt, one or more piled up or just randomly lying at the corner of our hearts or the back of our minds. We all detest those, don’t we?

I’m not spared either. If I start to list down my regrets about doing few things and about not doing few things, this blog would take up the entire Internet. (Not really!)

Life has always been unfair to everybody, they say.

But one fine day when I sat and analysed a part of my life and the changes it brought within me, I actually found out that life’s not really unfair, it works as a boomerang. It always comes back at you. And while ‘life’ is happening, there is this constant change that keeps on sprouting within us!

I realised how much I have changed as a person within these 5 years of my so-called ‘Independent living’. There has been certain drastic changes and also few changes which evolved with time and for good.

Honestly speaking, I never noticed any change within me when I stayed with my parents; reason being many. One, it was my comfort zone. I had everything easily made available with almost no responsibility or stress. No, I wasn’t a rich-spoilt brat either.

Two, I had friends who were there in school. Some were from where I lived. Nobody actually affected my life anyway. (It’s a different story that I considered them to be of utmost importance.)

Later in life, ‘graduation-days’ happened!

Here, I made friends very fast (as always). Not just that, I had friends whom I had to live with. My room-mates. They became a part of my life very soon. I was also in contact with my school friends. However, with time I started to realise that I had developed a strange affinity towards my room-mates which I never felt for my school friends. Maybe, because my days started and ended with them.

The change started here. It made its presence felt too!

I have this tendency of ignoring things or putting them on hold if they are out of sight or are not of high priority at the very moment. This made me drift apart from school friends. Misunderstandings happened. I didn't bother to sort it either. But I kept going on in life believing my room-mates were there for me. Never did I think about the day when even they would be gone.

The day I realised that, I also came to know that all this while I could not make a friend-for-life. Not even one. I WAS NOBODY’S BEST FRIEND!

I still have friends who can call me in the middle of the night and talk about serious things and cry and seek help and stuff like that. But, what pains me is, I have no such friend. In fact I never had such a friend. Possibly because I never tried to make such a friend. I kept things to myself. I believed that if a friend is true he/she will make me comfortable enough to initiate and share my deepest secrets with.

Unfortunately, I do not have a friend who knows each and everything about me. Nobody bothered to know. The walls I made are too thick to break, I guess!

While the things were happening, I started losing friends. I came closer to my family. My love for them grew even stronger than it ever was.

I kept meeting new people, made new friends - prospective best friends.

But somehow, deep inside I was done. Done trusting people. Done expecting people to take interest in my likes or dislikes, my limitations, my emotions, my inspirations, my silent tears as much as I did.

Amidst all this, I (in)famously fell in and out of few relationships. Searching for a friend seemed the toughest task in the universe. Finally, I failed myself and resorted to reading books. Instead of telling things to a human, I started writing it to my imaginary friend.

As much as I love honesty, I actually hate disclosing facts about me like this to people. The fear of being misunderstood, the fear of being talked about, the fear of being hated, the fear of being loved (Yeah, that too!), the fear of opening myself to vulnerability; always kept me bound inside my own walls.

There is something wrong with me for sure, which is why my life is how it is.

Nevertheless, with some more years to live, I see a possibility of making new friends. Hopefully, for a lifetime remaining!

P.S.:- If you read it this far, can't thank you enough!

You share a part of my life now. :)