This is a page from Naina's Diary. Naina, who? Read my previous blog Love to know the background.
Love brings the most complicated series of thoughts to the human mind. Strange helplessness, guilt and feeling pity on oneself.
Let's read how.
I'm not even angry any more. Or, scared.
I just get disappointed at the very thought of you, every time.
It's very difficult for me to pen down the chain of thoughts that happen in my mind when I think of you.
You've ruined me, quite literally.
I put the entire blame on me;
not because you're right or innocent. Because, I failed. Failed at trusting a person.
Letting you run over me and my faith in you.
Why should I blame you, when all I could have done was slap you then!
I don't know how to define the experience with you.
May be, it's like the shriek (sound) the pressure cooker lets out, which makes you numb for a while.
I don't know.
Obviously, I should have slapped you when you used to come by my place.
You said you don't want to let me be alone, even for few minutes.
I blame myself for believing you.
All you actually wanted was pleasure.
Yes, I should have pushed you out
when you came knocking at my door in the middle of the night.
You said you were worried 'coz I didn't pick up calls.
You thought I needed you. WRONG. I was just tired and sleeping.
You needed physical favour.
Yes, I should have alarmed the securities of my society.
When you started forcing yourself into my flat.
I shouldn't have bothered about what they said.
I shouldn't have been bothered by being called names.
I should have just slapped you then.
Should have just resisted, for once.
You said you won't touch me without my permission.
I should have never believed you.
I shouldn't have let you like me.
I shouldn't have allowed you to touch me.
You never loved me!
You apologised, every time.
I forgave, all the time.
I was mistaken.
I'm to be blamed.
I shouldn't have let you cross your limits.
I shouldn't have thought that it was love.
That I should break the walls of solitude and let myself love.
Let myself belong to someone completely.
I never thought you wanted it that fast.
I never believed friends who told me you looked at me in inappropriate ways.
You were wrong. I'm to be blamed.
If only I knew your intentions, I would have slapped you real hard
and have had thrown you out of my home.
If only I was not so naive back then.
If only I had trusted you less and never thought it to be love.
Yet so broken,
P.S.:- Naina is still shattered, even after she has moved on. The thoughts, the guilt, keeps returning with loads of pain. And the endless phone calls of Aakash adds to the trauma.
Next part of the story coming up soon.
Keep reading. :)