Regret

I guess, I dreamt too far.

I guess, I dreamt too much.

It's not always people who hurt or let us down. I have let down myself number of times.
How many times do I expect my parents to be okay with what I have been doing with my career, that is, NOTHING at all? How many times do I expect me to dust myself, rise and fight again? Not easy when you, yourself are the culprit and there is nobody but your own self to be blamed!

I have failed. Honestly, I have yet not been able to handle failures properly.
It may not be the first time, but definitely has shaken me a bit.

I had forwarded my resume to some guy I knew from Facebook and Twitter, who now is an entrepreneur and provides jobs. He gave me call, I was sleeping. Yes, wasting some more time, you can say. He called to discuss and ask if I would want to shift to Ranchi. I said I would better move to my city Jamshedpur than to Ranchi. We discussed how there is almost nothing good left in Kolkata. So, I should leave this city for my own good. But then something happened which came as a blow.

He bluntly started discussing my resume. Asked me what do I intend to do as a next step in my career. I was blank, as usual. He gave away some startling facts about my resume from an HR point of view. From my point of view, I was highly qualified with having knowledge in almost every field. From Tally to ERP to SQL to ORACLE to Hardware & Networking. I always explained myself that I didn't get a proper IT job as I was a commerce graduate. But what he said was a tight slap on my face.

"Your resume is messed up. It seems or in fact shouts that you have no idea what you want to do in life! Neither is your graduation score that good that it could fetch you some decent Accountant's job. All you can do is join a BPO. But, I will still try finding some suitable jobs, apart from BPOs, for you in some not-so-large-organizations."

"Hmm. Thanks."

Yes, this was all I could speak. He said he will call again in sometime. After disconnecting the call, I got up and kept staring out of the window for I-don't-know-how-much time.

When I was over the shock, I suddenly became disheartened and disappointed.

Disheartened, because it was all true. I had wasted my life's time, parent's money and some dreams while pursuing GNIIT. I could neither score well in my Graduation under Calcutta University nor could I get a happening job (that's what I thought I would get) from NIIT.
Disappointed, because I cannot possibly make it all right. Not now. Never. All I could do is, start again, and change to something which would fetch me decent job, at least. No, I wasn't even thinking about MBA. Frankly, I had no idea. At this point in time, I couldn't possible START my career?

My last resort, Maa. Called her up, told her I'm tired. I want to study something to make something out of my life. But I was not left with much time. And, that I am scared that I will fail again. I'm not well informed. I needed guidance and support and most importantly, help.

Papa wouldn't mind supporting me for some more time for studies, she said. But there were so many what-ifs running in my mind. I could not disclose them to Maa. I had to struggle. For the time being, I have yet another plan in my mind, to uplift my career, to reach somewhere and be there and grow.

The first thing I did that day was edited my resume. Deleted the GNIIT part of my life from it. Forever.
And, brought in some hope into me. Let it seep inside. Now, I will live again and work towards achieving things, finally!

Thanks for reading. :)