The letter.
Probably my last letter to the guy I loved, and keep loving back again and again...
I'm sorry for starting this love story in the first place. I know it is me.
Falling in love with you happened in a jiffy. I was swept off my feet into the
air, to a place where is felt so nice, so comfortable, with you.
I left no stone unturned to make you fall in love with me. You did. Deeply,
madly. I was on cloud nine, all the time. You made me feel, like how they say
it feels being fallen in love with one person who is your best friend,
boy-friend and soulmate.
We've been funny together. Crazy as well. Singing patriotic songs on
Republic and Independence days, in the middle of the night, on top of our
voices- over phone. It never felt you lived some 1500 Kms away.
Always being there, by my side,
whenever I closed my eyes.
I totally loved it, when after a crazy (which was usual) conversation, I
used to disconnect your call, and would find envious-looking roommates staring
at me, smiling. They were so jealous. You know who they are, I have told you
about that. I tell you everything, no? Oh, I mean, used to tell you everything, then!
Then one fine lucky morning, I met you. Held your hand, like how we used to
imagine. I skipped a beat then. I still remember that feeling of that missed
heartbeat, of looking into your eyes for real, of being nervous and excited at
the same time. The mesmerizing moment amidst love and reality.
The little things you did for me. I still remember how you stopped the
coffee-waala to add extra sugar. I felt so touched that you remember that
little conversation we had about how I don't like too much of sugar in my
coffee. You kept everything in your mind. I had never received so much love
before, I swear. Not even after!
It was almost two-and-a-half years. No fights. Just crazy love. I don't
know what happened suddenly. Why did we drift apart? Why did we let
misunderstanding and miscommunication come in between? Why did we lose each
other?
We broke up. I was shattered. Even-though it was I who decided to move on, I
just wanted to run into your arms and cry my heart out and make things right
every night.
With moving on, came distractions.
My stubborn self was fighting with the madly-in-love-with-you self!
Mistakes piled up. With that, guilt too. Guilt, for letting myself do
things I would have never done. Not even out of curiosity.
My stubborn self kept winning and I kept pushing myself away from you,
deliberately, desperately.
Even now, after almost a year of our breakup, I keep making excuses in the
head to run back to you. Make things right. I know, you are dying to be with me
too. I'm not letting you be.
Darling, I'm afraid, all that is left in me is guilt- guilt of wrong decisions,
broken feelings for trusting and trying to love again and a different person,
who is definitely not me. How do I come back to you? Why, I say? You stood
there, the place I left you, waiting for my return. I kept moving, without
turning my back for even once. And, now that I'm lost and morose, I feel the
need to be with you. How much more selfish can I be?
Last time I came running back to you when I was shattered, you held my hand
as lovingly as you always did. I left you crying, again. Blaming the distance,
for our differences. I hid my failures behind those blames. I have fallen,
fallen to a level where I shouldn't be loved anymore.
Finding you in someone else, I have been cheating all. Living in denial.
Denying that it has been and will be, just you. No other. However, here,
tonight, below this lonely moon who has no stars for company, I feel lost
again. Wanting to be found by you, one more time. Alas!
You know already, maybe. You still care to talk. That if you come back, I
will again try to break the bubble and escape, only to find myself lost and
crying out loud to find you somehow, again. It will repeat, I guess. I'm
destined to live this life now. Of denial, helplessness and agony.
With hope and longingness of being in your arms again!
Yours forever
Love
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